My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
ttyl tear gas
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
