i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
