If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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