I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
