I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
