I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
