I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
