that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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