You made me cry and you don't even care
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
