it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
