We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
