i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize