The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
