Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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