So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
