I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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