Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We just shotgunned beers for America
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
