so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize