Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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