what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
