well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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