I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
