They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
