So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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