that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He passed out mid-signature
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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