1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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