I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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