OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
