he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
