does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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