you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
