i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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