Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
