I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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