whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
