The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
