Pants 0. Shit 1.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You have to summon your inner elephant
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
