the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
