She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
