Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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