I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
