I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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