i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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