And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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