I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
