I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
