I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
