I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My feet surprised me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
