My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
