you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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