Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
