Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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