soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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