Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
