There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
