i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
