She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
