my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
