just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
