Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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