Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
