I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
