why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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