if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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