i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
