just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
